Tuesday, February 1, 2011

They're playing our song

I am thankful for God's tender mercies. It's been a tough couple of days. Nursing is proving to be more and more painful every day--and today I was lost in self pity after getting some bad news from the midwife. Basically, there is no problem that can be fixed. No infections, no latch problems, etc.--it is just going to be painful for me to feed my child the way I want to feed her.

So, I was feeling particularly sad and frustrated today. I was remembering my first few weeks with Edgar...the pain...and the questioning the reasons for having children...I love love love my children and am thankful for them. It's just, so many days of pain and sleep deprivation can really wear a person down.

Then, on the drive home tonight, I heard my sweet son singing the lullaby that I wrote for him. I haven't sung it to him for a while, and I didn't even realize he knew it. But, hearing his sweet little voice sing it made me cry--for the 10th or 12th time today--but in a good way. I was filled with peace and love. I made it through the pain with him--and we have a great relationship today.

I'll make it through the pain with Sabrina too. It will make me a stronger woman and mother. The refiners fire and all of that.

Edgar's Song:

Oh Edgar, we can fly
Together like birds on the wind so high
Like a man, rocketing to mars
or fast like dogs going 'round in cars
Oh Edgar, we can fly

We can ride bicycles to the park
Or sing lullabies in the dark
Oh Edgar, we can fly.

5 comments:

Arual said...

I'm so sorry to hear that nursing is painful. They're certain it isn't a yeast infection? That doesn't always show symptoms, but you can definitely feel them.

In any case, I hope it gets better... maybe as her mouth gets bigger. I wish I could give really amazing advice, but e-advice is infamously ineffective.

Wish I could be there to support you, but know that you're in my thoughts. It gets easier, we both have experience in that much. Good luck and keep on keeping on.

Melissa said...

That song is precious! What a sweet moment for you and Edgar. I'm also sorry about the pain you're experiencing with nursing. It must run in the family because nursing all three of my girls has been painful every time..at least for the first 6 months. The last six months is always so much better. How is life with 2? Is Alex still home? Two was a really big transition for me, but it got easier and now I LOVE having two that are so close in age because they are the best of friends. Hang in there.

Anna said...

Jen,
The pain I was experiencing nursing Diana while pregnant has disappeared after I saw my brother-in-law and changed my supplements regime. I think that maybe the balance of minerals and vitamins was making a difference or effecting my hormones in some way. So I would say maybe there is hope. Evaluate what you are doing for your nutrition right now. I wish I had done a better job of that because it was a huge contributing factor in the postpartum depression I experienced last time. Especially high doses of niacin and folic acid seem to help some people (like my husband and son). Good luck. I admire your perseverance to move forward and do what you know is right for your baby anyway. I am learning to do similarly with how I've been feeling versus what I need to be doing. And you're right. There is a refiners fire aspect to it.
Love You!
Anna
And just in case I miss it later, let me be the first to say Happy Birthday!

Allie said...

Jen, you are a wonderful example to me!!! I'll never forget your great mothering advice and I appreciate you sharing this post with all of us.

Amanda Palmer said...

Jen - that song is so precious and beautiful, and I hope you can think back on that moment with your sweet little Edgar many times as you're getting through these difficult weeks with Sabrina - you CAN do it, and you will. I hope we can get together soon - sure miss you!!